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My disability and my journey to pregnancy...

I feel so lucky and blessed to be a mummy. My little one is now 18 months old, and this would be my second mother's day as a mummy, and i truly can't believe where the time has gone.

My journey to motherhood was certainly not a straightforward or easy one. Suffering with Ehler's Danlos Syndrome was at the forefront of my decision to even get pregnant in the first place, as well as the depression and anxiety I suffer. Due to this I was sure to get the advice of my consultant before making this enormous life-changing decision. I was after truthful advice from my consultant, however I was still not ready for what she actually said to me. When I asked her what her thoughts were on me becoming pregnant, she simple said one word, "no". She said that I was barely managing myself, which she was right to conclude, after all, i was sitting in my mobility scooter with a knee braces, finger splints, a shoulder brace on and God knows what else! I wasn't exactly looking the part! She went on to say that I might not be able to cope through the pregnancy and to question how I would look after the baby once born. On hearing this my heart sunk. Everything she was saying was valid, and were fears that I had had myself. She told me that of course the decision was up to me but that that was her recommendation. After all I did ask for her expert opinion. My trip to the consultant made a hard decision even harder. Me and my husband were happily married but were both at that point of our lives where we wanted a baby, so on hearing this advice, we were both disheartened and felt at a loss.

There were so many factors to take into account when deciding whether to get pregnant or not. One was would my body cope through the pregnancy as well as when the baby was born and beyond. Another was the complications that could go wrong due to suffering with Ehler's Danlos Syndrome, I was constantly searching online but there wasn't a huge amount out there. Stuff I did find made me even more scared. Premature Labour, risk of severe bleeding, and debilitating pelvic pain were just a few. There was also the issue of the medication I was on. Suffering with pretty bad depression and anxiety I was taking high dosage of medication 💊 and as the general advice goes, these should not be taken during pregnancy, along with the strong painkillers on was on for the severe pain I get. This posed a major problem to me as I couldn't imagine stopping those at all. As if this wasn't enough, there was the daunting possibility of passing on my faulty gene (which causes the syndrome) onto my offspring. The probability of this occurring is 50%. A 50 50 chance is pretty high! It was scary because I would never want my child to suffer the way I have, I just wouldn't be able to deal with it, seeing them suffer and then with the added notion that it was my fault. On top of that would I even be able to physically handle it? This is issue posed a moral dilemma, and the more I researched and read the more wrong I felt. Why would I get pregnant knowing there is a 50% chance of giving what I have to my child? Would that be fair to do? All these things to think about was like an explosion in my head and enough to make anyone spirall down and feel fucking shit!

We toyed with thr idea of adoption, as this would eliminate a lot of the issues. The road to adopting a child appeared to be very intense and mentally exhausting, and given the state of both my mental and physical health at the time, I wasn't sure they'd give me one!

If you've read my previous post you would know that just prior to getting pregnant I suffered a severe depressive episode where I attempted suicide. I was seen by the Crisis Team everyday for two weeks after that, and I was just not in a good place at all. I was too tired, of fighting, of having pain, of being tired, of having half a life, of being disabled, of mourning my former self and life, and I did not want to go on. But, call it fate or luck or God, but a few weeks after that initial night, I found out that I was pregnant. Suddenly I had a reason to go on, a new found purpose and therefore a new lease of life. That's not to say all my problems and issues went away. They were still present and all the things I was worried about before were still a worry, so there was a small part of me that was considering ending this pregnancy. Something else in me however felt like this was a gift from God, sent to be my saviour and strength, and made me carry through, and it is the very reason why I named my son, Ayaan - a gift from God.

Now my pregnancy was not all hearts and roses, and was a journey and a battle, but I'll save that story for another day!


Thank you for reading and getting to the end!

Much love

Xoxo




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